When all you can say is: Fuck !t

 

alone togehter

When we are hurting there are so many ways how to approach the pain and the situation that consumes our reality. I am not the expert in love or relationships. I sometimes have to google things like: How to stop obsessing about him choosing someone else (and surprisingly it was helpful :D).

What I heard down the road…

I heard different opinions, bits of advice, perspectives… just to give you taste of them:

  • he doesn’t deserve you, you are better off, now you can focus on yourself
  • you were not yourself with him but you kept saying you were happy so I didn’t say anything
  • give him time to figure things out and then later maybe it will all fit back together
  • nothing is as hot as when being cooked
  • you should distract yourself
  • you deserve something better
  • what the hell? he is so weak… he is childish…

girl face detail big

These feelings are so new to me that I almost feel like I am the first human being to go through all this. Of course, I know that is not true… and I must also say “Thank God, it is not true”. When I listen to songs of Glan Hansard (my top favorite now are: Leave, Lies, Once) or Damien Rice (Grey Room, Accidental Babies, The Box) or Richard Muller (Adieu Adele, Anjel Strazny, Rozeznavam) it gives me a deep feeling of empathy and compassion.

And even though I am Christian, I must say that I feel closer to those guys than to a group of people who would most likely try to teach me a lesson and pray for me to see where I did go wrong. (Ok, I know that sounds judgemental, but sometimes, like maybe in Job’s case, we did nothing wrong!, sometimes things just happen and they are not punishment or consequence of our in core sinful nature).

How do you calculate your feelings

Most likely you would need to know all available data points. Who was he, how we met, when, how long ago, what happened, what did not happen, how serious we were and so on… But when one feels, I think all the facts, data and stories are blurred into one messy pile of puzzles… bits of memories we kept for this or that reason…

I am looking at all those pieces spread across my mind, soul, and heart and I am … well first of all still in shock that even if I know every single piece of it, the picture is gone. And also not completely, because I still see it in front of me. But I guess we have to look at good old 2+2=5 backward… 5 – 2 -2 =1.

And I think, that “1”, is what confuses me the most. That even though the equation says I should have 1, in fact, I have 0. And at the same time, I know exactly where that “1”, that is missing, is. And I also know that what matters is … that it is missing from where it belonged.

Memories can be bitches

They know what and when exactly to trigger to shake your being.

Yes call it sentimental, weak, unstable… but even little notion of someone’s favorite movie (that was actually your first date ever and you know exactly where the ticket from that date is in your drawer) or innocent comment on the espresso mug (which you started collected together, but only got to numeber 1 and you know exactly where it is and why and how)… or then a smell reminds you of a moment when he accidentaly told you he loves you for the first time, and it was so natural and innocent that even though it was not under stars or on top of Empire State building you will remember it (moment, where you were, what was light like, what he said before and how you stopped breathing and did not know how to say anything because you were not sure if he really meant it or it was just a mistake).

tears of fountain

I think I am doing it, or allowing it because in a way it keeps it all still “sort of” real… It makes this new reality a bad dream, from which I hope to wake up. And I guess that is the part which you could label as denial. But sadly denial is all that left that is still connecting me to the gone reality of love.

Reinvent your fucking wheel…

So yes, please spare me lessons and criticism. Every heart is unique. And even though statistically we have methods how to deal with the pain that work for most people, I think we all have to tailor the one (two or three) that would work in this space and time for our specific heart mind and soul. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that this:

grief.jpeg

does not apply to me because I am so special and unique… perhaps it does apply because it is something that gives us at least some hope to survive what we can’t change. And you know what… it does not even matter. If I decide that eating strawberries will miraculously heal my whole mind universe… maybe that would work too.

You have to get it all out yourself…

This now does not have a conclusion or list of 7 things you should do when your love decide to leave you. Maybe I can write a list what you should not do. But I will not do that either. There is so much inspiration out there… And you know what? If you are in a similar situation than me… you probably know by now, that you have to try more than one miracle-google-wikihow article to get through this.

tears focused

I am a man of my word

You said

I stayed, did not go away

You said

Goodbye

You said

˜

At some point I said

I will cross the line

At some point I said

I will break your heart

Then I did

& mine

 

Fragile equilibrium of the bipolar mind

I love swing dancing. Being bipolar is similar. When your mood swings you just have to detect new rhythm, accept it and follow the flow. There is a lot you can manage by medication, sleeping and routine. But sometimes even when you try to control everything as best as you can, the mood is just stronger.

For last few days, I was fighting with myself a lot. It is Christmas time, people should be joyful and merry. I should be happy and positive. And the less I feel that way the more angry I get at myself. Bad mood always catches me as a surprise. Everything is dark and hopeless. Every aspect of my life is negative and I can’t see any hope. I realized the more time I spend thinking I just get deeper into the spiral of this sadness and it gets hard to get out.

So instead of staying in bed at my private pity party, I decided to simply get dressed and get out. I tried not to think too much about it. (Although it might seem ridiculous when you are getting depressed even simple thing like getting dressed and putting your shoes on is a huge deal). So I simply focused on next step: Get out of bed. Great! Now, find something to wear in cold. Cool, my favorite hat and gloves. A little smile 🙂 Then shoes. Uff…

But hey, I got out of the house. Yeeey! Even if I would turn and got back home now, I already did a lot. And yes, for me at times that is a success to be happy about. So I set my Spotify to first song I downloaded in 2017 and decided to think of past years in songs I downloaded. And may the walk begin…

Walk took around 45 minutes. Slow and not far, but relaxing. Instead of overthinking my desperate state of mind… I saw people playing football outside, I saw my old school and kinder garden, and also our village Christmas tree 🙂 I even met an old grandma on bike! Hm… you know it was not a huge fitness accomplishment, I didn’t come up with new philosophy of life, but I was not caught in my mind. For few minutes I was focused on outside world rather than my inside world… and it was refreshing. It was as simple as that. Walk and don’t talk. Or even talk.

A lot of times I read about all the remedies from depression. When I am sad, none of them seem like they could help. But that is the lesson I learned this year. My mind has a lot of assumptions and expectations about experiences I am about to try (or most of the time not to try). But when I pause the side of me that has all the arguments why it won’t work and simply try it… reality turns out to be a lot different than my mind told me before.

To sum up:

1. Don’t let your mind discourage you from trying things

2. Start simple

3. Focus on one step at a time

4. Be happy for every little success

5. Remember good things

What I learned about my depression from phone game.

Although I am officially bipolar for almost ten years now, it was for the first time today when it finally became official in my own worldview. You must understand, intellect was all I ever had and to accept something in my brain is not working right was not easy to accept. I went through stages when I enjoyed feeling of being in a unique group of individuals like Van Gogh, Churchill or Virginia Woolf. There were also times when I felt like damaged goods not worthy to take up space.

Today I sat myself down and for the first time and told myself that it is ok. Especially when one is in depression it is so easy to fall into the spiral of darkness and hopelessness. Nothing is worth doing/living, nothing brings joy and no, there is no at the tunnel. In times when I am depressed it is specifically difficult. I am usually mad at myself for being “lazy”, for not being able to do anything but watch tv shows all days and feeling pathetic when asked to do even simple thing. How should I feel excited about the fact that I made my bed in the morning? It is the most simple thing to do! It is ridiculous to cheer for something so trivial. My ego was constantly on me. Guarding my every inaction and mocking me down for loosing.

.Osmos

Few days ago I downloaded yet another game for my phone. I liked it for its calming music and universe environment. This is you:

osmos

A little blue sphere or planet if you like. You float in the darkness of universe and usually try to become the biggest sphere by “eating” smaller spheres, while avoiding black holes or bigger spheres which would consume you and finish your game.

If I should describe how my depression feels, the best would be to use this set up from the game:

osmos2

Almost no space to breathe. The whole perspective seems impossible for me to move. But when I looked closer… it turned out to be true what my best friend used to say: Even the longest journey begins with first step! Little by little, step by step I focused on next step and staying safe and in the end I was able to become the biggest.

In the same way my mind works like this game or universe… if I get too close to black holes, I will most likely not succeed. If I got caught in orbit of depression or thoughts that constantly bring me down, I need other, stronger force to pull me out of it.

Lesson #1 Admit your size and context

I had to admit I am depressed. I had to tell myself that it is ok to be feel all the feelings I feel and be nice to myself as I would to any friend in my position. Depression is attracting most of the negative feelings, moods and thoughts and although it is not pleasant I have to endure it for a while. That is how it is now, even washing my hair is a big task! Making my bed or waking up two minutes earlier than I absolutely have to is a big task! Don’t be mad. Don’t be angry. Understand and rescale your sense of accomplishment (temporary, until you get back to normal – whatever that is).

Lesson #2 Only way to get bigger is to consume smaller

Does it feel ridiculous to be proud of making your bad?  Since you already looked at step 1, your current state is world where simple things deserve to be celebrated and acknowledged. When you grew bigger, you can shift your attention to finishing half marathon, but you are not there, yet!

Lesson #3 Avoid black holes and bigger planets

Black holes suck your energy out. No matter how small they are whenever in touch with them, you will become weaker. What are these things in my mind? Perhaps thinking endlessly about things that could have been, but are not. Avoid bigger planets as well, those might be things that are not within your reach at the moment. As you grow stronger, you will be able to tackle things that are now hard, but it all will come with time.

Cherry on the top!

Do you want to change (your) world? Make your bed (motivational video)!

Visible slap of Invisible hand

When in 2008 markets collapsed we all blame invisible hand of market for not working properly.
I would like to argue quite opposite. Thank God for invisible hand and its quite visible slap we quite righthously deserved.
Let’s admit it, we went quite wild with our imagination. We created products that in their own essence were not healthy.
Thank God for invisible hand to give us strong and visible stop! I hope we learned from that!
There were people who saw this set up and called out for change, but we ignored them. And just like Noe seemed crazy when predicting flood those were ones who were right in the end. Slaps though are not the only way how market is teaching us… we just have to stay tuned to reason, common sense and moral in us.
Enjoy your week all you entrepreneurs, consumers, policy makers and bankers!
It is up to all you how the next lesson will look like.

Micro Vacation: Japan A.K.A Sushi

Following the idea of micro vacation.

Did you know your team member lived in Japan as in fluent in Japan?

Let’s go “there” for 60 minutes! She can give you all the best tips for food. Locals will show you slightly hidden ice cream fridge. And hey! they have all you can eat buffet 🙂

cutmypic

 

食欲をそそる

Introducing: Micro vacation

Stressed is just …

To all of you who LOVE or HATE their jobs.

In either case you need some time-off during the day. To get energy or to release negative energy. We all have 1 hour = 60 minutes to spend for our lunch. There are many ways how you can spend your break. One of them is eat lunch at your desk while writing/reading emails. Another way how to look at your lunch break is as a micro-vacation.

.micro vacation

It is time you should not! be working, time off, off work related things. And when I say off I mean off. Even if your job is your biggest passion… you should reset your mind to be able to see different perspectives, to experience eureka moments (perhaps during your micro-vacation to japan i.e. sushi restaurant).

.what do I mean when I say micro-vacation?

Imagine what would you do if you would be on vacation. Now try to think how to fit all that ( or most of that or at least some of that) in 60 minutes. I’m sure if Ted Mosby (How I met your mother) was able to take girl for 2 minute date, we are also creative enough to have a good time in 60 minutes.

.like for example….

  • Maybe you can get a pic nic blanket take your Alexa and have some alone time by the river (almost as good as Jamie’s Cullum All at the sea) with your favourite music (my Chillaxe playlist), while you maybe write a blog (like me now 🙂 ).
  • Or maybe you want to read that article you saved millions years ago.
  • Run half of half marathon.

I am not saying this is the only good way how to look at lunch. But technically this time is vacation for you. Use it wisely. Use it for yourself. As you and only you want it.

Don’t be shy to get inspired by others or invite others for your time!

Bon voyage!

PS: your matrix can be as good or as bad as you let it be 😉

… dessertes spelled backwards.

In danger of death / V nebezpečenstve smrti

 

Eng / Sk

In danger of death

When you repeatedly experience the closeness of death, it is also vitamin for life. Think about your life. I had a friend who was with us in the seminary, but left during the study. He played in the band and was drummer.

We went climbing together. The man in whole his life never kneeled in the chapel, only to convert and that was it, otherwise one has ever seen him kneeling. We climbed the rocks, it was November and it was a bit freezing. At some point he began searching my backpack.

“What are you doing?”

“I want to take žumár (climbing equipment).”

“What? You do not know how to use it…”

“What do you mean, I do not know?”

“Well, do as you want. But be careful!”

He founded žumár, but he did it poorly and fell down the wall. And what happened? He got smashed against the wall. I could not put him down, I had frozen hands, others put him down according to my instructions.

In the evening theologians asked me: “Where have you been?” In the evening he was kneeling in the chapel, head bowed down.

“At the spiritual retreat,” I told them.

If you experience a risk of death, it will force you to reflect. God, what do you want from me? Which direction should I go? Whom I helped to get closer to God? Have I wasted my life?

 

PS: Version of my own fall happened in 2006 when I had asthma attack (more in my blogpost in Slovak only: Co ma naucila astma). But that was just physical death. Intellectually I got closer to it much later, but that is story still to be told.

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V nebezpečenstve smrti

Keď viackrát zažijete blízkosť smrti, sú to také vitamíny pre život. Zamyslíte sa nad svojím životom. Mal som kamaráta, ktorý bol s nami v seminári, no počas štúdia odišiel. Hrával v kapele a bol bubeníkom.

Išli sme spolu liezť na skaly. Tento človek vám v živote v kaplnke nekľačal, iba na premeneniem a to bolo všetko, inak ho nikto nikdy nevidel kľačať. Liezli sme po skalách, bol november a bolo primrznuté. V istom okamihu mi začal prehľadávať batoh.

“Čo robíš?”

“Chcem si zobrať žumár (horolezecký výstroj).”

“Načo? Nevieš ho ani založiť… ”

“Čo neviem?”

“Dobre, ako chceš. Ale dávaj pozor!”

Žumár si založil, urobil to však zle a vypadol zo steny. A čo sa stalo? Obáchalo ho o stenu. Nevedel som ho dať dole, mal som zamrznuté ruky, druhí ho dávali dole podľa mojich pokynov.

Večer sa ma bohoslovci pýtajú: “Kde ste boli?” Večer kľačal v kaplnke, hlava sklonená.

“Na duchovných cvičeniach sme boli,” hovorím im.

Ak zažijete nebezpečenstvo smrti, donúti vás to zamyslieť sa. Bože, čo odo mňa chceš? Ktorým smerom mám ísť? Komu som pomohol dostať sa bližšie k Bohu? Nežil som svoj život naprázdno?


PS:
 Verzia môjho vlastného pádu sa stala v roku 2006, keď som prežila astmový záchvat (viac na mojom blogu: Co ma naucila astma). Ale to bola len fyzická smrť. Intelektuálne som sa dostala do tohto bodu oveľa neskôr, ale tento príbeh sa ešte formuje.

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