Yesterday at work I was about to take my usual a coffee break, but before I lit cigarette I just thought: “What if I spend next 10 minutes without looking at my phone?” So I just sat there, at the rim of the window, observing little ants walking on the ground and climbing up the roses (No I did not smell the roses 😀 ). After few minutes I instinctively reached out for my phone and I had to consciously stop myself and refocus my thoughts.
I tried to understand why do I keep looking into my phone. Not ultimate, but one of the reasons is that is is some kind of passive aggressive escape from my emotions. An example to explain what I mean would be: I would check someone whom I haven’t talked to for years, but we are still friends on all social media. And I would flood my mind with thoughts of anger, regret, disappointment, blame… or sometimes feeling I’m better than them… All in all, most of the time, on average… I would feel bad.
But see, it is an escape in sense, that I wouldn’t usually do something about it. I would just keep coming back and feed those feelings on semi-regular way. This time, I just thought about all this for a minute (literally for a minute since it was my work break). And I had to take out my phone to mark down this:
And I thought… maybe it is not that I don’t know how to be happy. Maybe it is just that I keep on holding too many sad/bad/useless memories/thoughts/grudges… and I simply don’t have enough space for good/fresh/new… maybe… I can just let things that are too heavy go off my hands and make space…. and there is the birth of the drawing…