Two weeks ago I took a Wednesday off to live one day as an artist. It worked well, I felt refreshed, inspired and energized. I talked to my boss about trying out this model for a month and see if that is something I can implement as a working model. He was not excited about it as much as I hoped. Last week I worked regular five day week and I felt quite disappointed and demotivated. You know how sometimes even creating 30 seconds video ad can spin into an existential crisis? Well, that was me last week. This Monday, I asked my boss for a day off again and … here I am! Sitting in a cozy little cafe in Luxembourg city called Ready?!
… this would be ideal
Sometimes I wish I would wake up and my whole life would be different. I would make fresh healthy and delicious breakfast. I would read something inspiring, exercise, take a hot shower and get ready for the day. Then at work, I would be confident, friendly and productive. After work, I would still feel energetic and I would go to a cafe and write. When I would get back to my clean and organized apartment I would cook and prepare lunch for the next day as well. I would take bath and go to bed exactly on time to feel fresh the next day.
… all of it and right away
I realized I wish everything would change immediately and completely. And whenever I decide to follow my ideal vision of the day, but I wake up too late, I am already disappointed to even try. But maybe the magic word here for me is patience. I know I am not discovering new planet here when I think of all that, but I kind of need to tell this to myself. Not everything has to change immediately. Also, not everything will change for good after the first try. I know there is a whole theory of creating new habits and getting rid of old ones. For me, it is a lot about how my mind sees the life I am living that day. Too often my mind uses words that would build sadness, loneliness, pointlessness. Thinking of changing everything right away could also be very overwhelming to digest. I tend to fail before I even being to change.
… grain by grain tipping over scales
I will try something different this time. When I was thinking about it yesterday, I found out that I have few things I would like to stop doing and many of my decisions sounded: “I will not compare myself to this annoying… “or “I will not stay up too late.”. But I realized that maybe I can try to formulate it in an active way. So here it comes:
- I will be kind to myself. I will listen to see what makes me happy.
- I will be patient with changes and if I fail I will get up and try again.
- I will try to push myself gently to follow through and tyr out my dreams.
- I will be trying to change one little thing at a time until it will all build up into mosaic I love.
I am just thinking of how this post perhaps does not even make sense, is not consistent with anything and has no deep and overthought concept behind it. Part of me wants to delete it right away. Another part feels like I should keep it for future reference. Keep it just because I want to create the habit of writing and with time it might evolve and clear out. On the other hand, I want to keep it real and authentic. So I guess it is ok to keep it. And perhaps it is ok even to write all the doubts out here and just let it flow in the endlessness of the internet. Oh well. I will try next time, right?