When all you can say is: Fuck !t

 

alone togehter

When we are hurting there are so many ways how to approach the pain and the situation that consumes our reality. I am not the expert in love or relationships. I sometimes have to google things like: How to stop obsessing about him choosing someone else (and surprisingly it was helpful :D).

What I heard down the road…

I heard different opinions, bits of advice, perspectives… just to give you taste of them:

  • he doesn’t deserve you, you are better off, now you can focus on yourself
  • you were not yourself with him but you kept saying you were happy so I didn’t say anything
  • give him time to figure things out and then later maybe it will all fit back together
  • nothing is as hot as when being cooked
  • you should distract yourself
  • you deserve something better
  • what the hell? he is so weak… he is childish…

girl face detail big

These feelings are so new to me that I almost feel like I am the first human being to go through all this. Of course, I know that is not true… and I must also say “Thank God, it is not true”. When I listen to songs of Glan Hansard (my top favorite now are: Leave, Lies, Once) or Damien Rice (Grey Room, Accidental Babies, The Box) or Richard Muller (Adieu Adele, Anjel Strazny, Rozeznavam) it gives me a deep feeling of empathy and compassion.

And even though I am Christian, I must say that I feel closer to those guys than to a group of people who would most likely try to teach me a lesson and pray for me to see where I did go wrong. (Ok, I know that sounds judgemental, but sometimes, like maybe in Job’s case, we did nothing wrong!, sometimes things just happen and they are not punishment or consequence of our in core sinful nature).

How do you calculate your feelings

Most likely you would need to know all available data points. Who was he, how we met, when, how long ago, what happened, what did not happen, how serious we were and so on… But when one feels, I think all the facts, data and stories are blurred into one messy pile of puzzles… bits of memories we kept for this or that reason…

I am looking at all those pieces spread across my mind, soul, and heart and I am … well first of all still in shock that even if I know every single piece of it, the picture is gone. And also not completely, because I still see it in front of me. But I guess we have to look at good old 2+2=5 backward… 5 – 2 -2 =1.

And I think, that “1”, is what confuses me the most. That even though the equation says I should have 1, in fact, I have 0. And at the same time, I know exactly where that “1”, that is missing, is. And I also know that what matters is … that it is missing from where it belonged.

Memories can be bitches

They know what and when exactly to trigger to shake your being.

Yes call it sentimental, weak, unstable… but even little notion of someone’s favorite movie (that was actually your first date ever and you know exactly where the ticket from that date is in your drawer) or innocent comment on the espresso mug (which you started collected together, but only got to numeber 1 and you know exactly where it is and why and how)… or then a smell reminds you of a moment when he accidentaly told you he loves you for the first time, and it was so natural and innocent that even though it was not under stars or on top of Empire State building you will remember it (moment, where you were, what was light like, what he said before and how you stopped breathing and did not know how to say anything because you were not sure if he really meant it or it was just a mistake).

tears of fountain

I think I am doing it, or allowing it because in a way it keeps it all still “sort of” real… It makes this new reality a bad dream, from which I hope to wake up. And I guess that is the part which you could label as denial. But sadly denial is all that left that is still connecting me to the gone reality of love.

Reinvent your fucking wheel…

So yes, please spare me lessons and criticism. Every heart is unique. And even though statistically we have methods how to deal with the pain that work for most people, I think we all have to tailor the one (two or three) that would work in this space and time for our specific heart mind and soul. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that this:

grief.jpeg

does not apply to me because I am so special and unique… perhaps it does apply because it is something that gives us at least some hope to survive what we can’t change. And you know what… it does not even matter. If I decide that eating strawberries will miraculously heal my whole mind universe… maybe that would work too.

You have to get it all out yourself…

This now does not have a conclusion or list of 7 things you should do when your love decide to leave you. Maybe I can write a list what you should not do. But I will not do that either. There is so much inspiration out there… And you know what? If you are in a similar situation than me… you probably know by now, that you have to try more than one miracle-google-wikihow article to get through this.

tears focused

I am a man of my word

You said

I stayed, did not go away

You said

Goodbye

You said

˜

At some point I said

I will cross the line

At some point I said

I will break your heart

Then I did

& mine

 

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