Fragile equilibrium of the bipolar mind

I love swing dancing. Being bipolar is similar. When your mood swings you just have to detect new rhythm, accept it and follow the flow. There is a lot you can manage by medication, sleeping and routine. But sometimes even when you try to control everything as best as you can, the mood is just stronger.

For last few days, I was fighting with myself a lot. It is Christmas time, people should be joyful and merry. I should be happy and positive. And the less I feel that way the more angry I get at myself. Bad mood always catches me as a surprise. Everything is dark and hopeless. Every aspect of my life is negative and I can’t see any hope. I realized the more time I spend thinking I just get deeper into the spiral of this sadness and it gets hard to get out.

So instead of staying in bed at my private pity party, I decided to simply get dressed and get out. I tried not to think too much about it. (Although it might seem ridiculous when you are getting depressed even simple thing like getting dressed and putting your shoes on is a huge deal). So I simply focused on next step: Get out of bed. Great! Now, find something to wear in cold. Cool, my favorite hat and gloves. A little smile πŸ™‚ Then shoes. Uff…

But hey, I got out of the house. Yeeey! Even if I would turn and got back home now, I already did a lot. And yes, for me at times that is a success to be happy about. So I set my Spotify to first song I downloaded in 2017 and decided to think of past years in songs I downloaded. And may the walk begin…

Walk took around 45 minutes. Slow and not far, but relaxing. Instead of overthinking my desperate state of mind… I saw people playing football outside, I saw my old school and kinder garden, and also our village Christmas tree πŸ™‚ I even met an old grandma on bike! Hm… you know it was not a huge fitness accomplishment, I didn’t come up with new philosophy of life, but I was not caught in my mind. For few minutes I was focused on outside world rather than my inside world… and it was refreshing. It was as simple as that. Walk and don’t talk. Or even talk.

A lot of times I read about all the remedies from depression. When I am sad, none of them seem like they could help. But that is the lesson I learned this year. My mind has a lot of assumptions and expectations about experiences I am about to try (or most of the time not to try). But when I pause the side of me that has all the arguments why it won’t work and simply try it… reality turns out to be a lot different than my mind told me before.

To sum up:

1. Don’t let your mind discourage you from trying things

2. Start simple

3. Focus on one step at a time

4. Be happy for every little success

5. Remember good things

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